Is BDSM about caring and compassion, or is it about humiliation, hurting and harshness? The distinctions are not always easy for the outsider to understand, because BDSM is a place where all of those seemingly contradictory emotions can be explored - sometimes even at the same time.

I strongly believe that a dominant can and should honor, cherish, value and love hir slaves, and work towards nurturing and raising their self-esteem rather than destroying it. Does this sound like a contradiction? Perhaps, but I am referring to the relationship as opposed to the "scene", a demarcation that is often imperfectly understood.

In "play", in active scene space, there may be harshness, castigation, humiliation, cruelty, and apparent uncaring. These are the dynamics by which we emphasize our dominant/submissive relationships, and the ways in which we play with power. Between two completely consenting partners, they are a perfectly good and even healthy way to play in scene space; and you can spend as much or as little time in scene space as you and your partner feel comfortable and happy with.

In the long term D/S relationship, there is very likely to be a great deal of caring, compassion, nurturing, teaching, guiding, respect and even love between the owner and hir slave. The elements in active scene space that *seem* to contradict the underlying values of the relationship only serve to heighten and emphasize them when a scene is over. Love and ownership are not incompatible, but inseperable.

I have found that the typical idea of an "S&M relationship", especially in the minds of the outsider and even the members of the SM community who have never seen or experienced a long term, negotiated SM relationship, tends to have more to do with the obvious dynamics than the underlying ones. That is, many people imagine that an S&M relationship must always consist of the slave being held in contempt and spat on, constantly beaten, and never shown love or caring.

Some people even try to maintain relationships like that, but I have noticed over the years that unless these relationships are *very* part-time and not primary, such as that of a client with a professional dominatrix whom he sees once a week or so, they tend to burn out very, very quickly.

I am fortunate enough to have many friends in the local BDSM community, and I have been able to view (and participate in) many long-term relationships between community members. I have found that almost without exception, the stable, long-term D/S relationships I have seen are based on a solid foundation of mutual caring and respect, even the most apparently harsh ones.

There are a number of people in the scene who are still trying to recreate the intense dynamics of active scene space in their everyday relationships, and attempt to do entirely without the simple, Mundane foundations of a "normal" or vanilla relationship. I've watched some of them burn out on partner after partner, frustrated because what works so well and gives them so much pleasure in play does not stand alone as the foundation of a relationship.

Scene space, by necessity, includes *some* elements of fantasy and the suspension of disbelief. The cold hard fact is, in modern-day America, the submissive partner can thumb hir nose at the dom and walk away any damn time sie pleases; if the dom attempts to stop hir, this is legally assault and kidnapping. Attempting to maintain what is essentially an illusion of nonconsensual control for the rest of your life is not a particularly easy prospect.

The bottom line is that a submissive and a dominant partner remain together and choose to be with one another because their needs are mutually fulfilled in the long term, not because of any "slave contract" or fantasy of permanent bondage. If their basic needs are not filled by their partner - and all humans' basic needs include a need for caring and being cared for - they will simply go away and find what they need somewhere else, which may or may not end the relationship; or they will be very, very unhappy.

There is no "One, True, Right and Only" way for subs and doms to find a happy medium in a relationship together, but there are some generally sound basic principles that are a good idea to be familiar with if you are embarking on such an affair. If you can, do your best to watch and study positive examples of other people in the community who have successfully maintained good D/S relationships over the long term; and see what works - and what doesn't.