One of the most damaging unwritten myths of our community is that because our sexuality is different, we can throw away or disregard all the conventional rules of how to maintain our relationships with our partners. Human beings don't work that way. Even the most submissive and downtrodden slave needs a source of positive self-esteem to be healthy; even the most dominant Master or Mistress may need reassurance themselves when things are going badly.

Honesty, intimacy and trust are still issues in the BDSM relationship, perhaps even more so than in a conventional one. If there are significant elements present in your BDSM relationship that would mean major trouble in a conventional relationship such as a friendship, a business partnership or a love relationship, the mere fact that your relationship is BDSM-oriented isn't going to save it or make it exempt from these basic relationship issues.

Can you trust your partner to be honest with you? Can you honestly share your feelings with your partner? Can you rely on your partner to look after your interests, your health, your safety? Do you respect your partner as a human being? Do you find your feelings of self worth enhanced by your partner, or diminished? Do you feel better about yourself when you are with your partner, or worse? These are some good questions to ask yourself about any relationship, including one based on BDSM.

No matter how brutal the Master, how bitchy the Mistress or how grovelling the slave may be in the dungeon, very few people want to be beaten on nonstop or yelled at and humiliated outside of consensual play space. You will eventually have to relate to the adult human being, not just the kinky activity, when your whip arm gets tired and it's time to actually sit down and talk about the relationship.

Being kinky does not excuse anyone from being a real person. Real people can have bad days when they don't feel very dominant or submissive or sexual at all. Real people have human needs. Real people need to communicate honestly to make a relationship work. Real people may need hugs and support from their friends in times of stress or grief.

Stereotypes of True Masters don't need any of those things, of course - but last I checked, I wasn't living in a John Preston novel, and probably neither are you.

Traditionally the role of the caretaker and nurturer in the relationship is assigned to the dominant partner - but why not flaunt tradition at least some of the time? Just because your partner is the dominant doesn't mean they they're immune to being tired and stressed. If your top comes home from a hard day and is obviously physically and emotionally exhausted, it is definitely a poor time to play rebellious slave and demand to be punished.

Top abuse can and does happen in our community. A really greedy bottom is sometimes known as a "black hole" - which is not a reference to ass play, but to a phenomenon of astronomy that sucks in every bit of light and warmth and energy that comes near it and never, ever gives any back out. Nobody loves a do-me queen, at least not for very long. Since bottoms outnumber tops by a significant margin in the scene, it's smart to get with the program and take tender loving care of the one you've got.

Some dominants find that they enjoy and eroticize "punishment" scenes, where they must maintain their authority forcefully in the face of rebellion. Others seldom or never want to spend their time and energy "forcing" an unruly submissive to obey them if loyalty and trust are not given willingly and freely. It can be physically and emotionally exhausting to maintain your authority as a dominant in the face of constant rebellion and challenge, and even a strong and confident top might eventually start wondering if this bottom really wants to be there at all.

If you find that you enjoy being a resistant, bratty bottom in the dungeon, some clear and honest communication on the subject is better than leaving your partner with the real life impression that their efforts are unappreciated.

I have seen many "submissives" so deeply hungry to have their own needs to submit or to bottom satisfied that they treated their tops like fantasy objects which existed to fulfill their needs and not as human at all. Some may confuse fantasy with reality and claim to be lifestyle submissives when their actual desire is to bottom masochistically for occasional pain play.

Dishonesty, whether deliberate or the inadvertent result of inexperience with one's own real needs and desires, is a poor basis for negotiating a relationship or even a scene.