The props and roles of the typical BDSM scene are those of slavery. The outsider sees the chains, the whips, the devices carefully calculated to cause pain. Hot wax. Nipple clamps. The knotted thongs of a lash. Harsh commands, perhaps even shouting or drill-sergeant cursing.

To an outsider, there may seem to be little difference between a consensual SM scene between loving partners and genuine abuse. The blows of the whip are real. The verbal humiliation may be severe and degrading.

So how can we tell the difference between consensual psychodrama that is empowering and enjoyable, and abuse that causes real and lasting physical or emotional damage?

Here is a short list of some of the things that help differentiate safe, sane and consensual BDSM play from abuse.

1. CONSENT: Both partners consciously choose to participate in BDSM activities of their own will and desire, not because the other partner is often pushing, nagging or coercing them. Both partners take some responsibility for initiating BDSM play.

2. CONCERN: There is a real concern for the long term physical, mental and emotional health of both partners. The goal of BDSM activity is mutual enjoyment, empowerment, personal growth or enhancement of the relationship rather than one partner's orgasm.

Both partners feel responsible for the consequences of their play, and are willing to give aftercare in the form of hugs and reassurance if needed. Both partners (dominant and submissive) acknowledge that the person they have just scened with may need nurturing care after intense play, and accept one another's human shortcomings rather than expecting to interact with an inhumanly perfect fantasy role all the time.

3. CONSCIOUS OF SAFETY: Because BDSM can be a powerful, intense way to play with bodies and emotions, it is an inherently risky activity. A responsible dominant educates hirself about the risks involved in various BDSM activities, and consciously takes steps towards minimizing those risks for safer play. Good choices for safety education include taking classes, reading how-to books on the subject and participating in BDSM community activities.

4. COMMUNICATION: In healthy, consensual BDSM, there is honesty and open communication. Respected BDSM community members are continually willing to listen and learn from their partner and from others in their lifestyle. Abuse thrives in secrecy and silence; BDSM is about talking, sharing and negotiating with your partner, and when it is appropriate, with your peers in the BDSM community. Genuinely abusive, unhealthy or unsafe behavior does not stand open discussion or peer review.

Even if all four "C's" are present, an intense BDSM scene with a lot of hitting and yelling can look pretty scary to an observer. The emotions evoked in both partners may be very real and very strong while an intense BDSM scene is being played out. Each partner is allowed to act out hir "dark side", experiencing and expressing feelings that may be raw, ugly, or socially unacceptable in any other context. And each partner trusts the other to accept and complement these emotions so that they may be released safely. The reason for exploring some of these these dark, intense emotions may vary. For some, it is a way of rewriting old emotional scripts in a way that is more personally empowering or healing. For others, it is a thrilling adrenaline adventure.

The excitement of this kind of intense play has been compared to riding a roller coaster. The scary, exhilarating sensations can be enjoyed because you know that you are really taking a safe ride for fun.