What Do Doms Fear?
By Fencer Cabot

What Do Doms Fear?

Speaking personally, I've dealt with most of those fears at one time or another. And so, I think, has every other well-informed, honorable dom. (And no doubt I left a LOT of important ones off of my already long list.)

Obviously, unless one can put the vast majority of them aside, these fears can be paralyzing, or worse.

For newbie doms, flooded with information by eager submissives-to-be, I imagine these fears can be really hard to deal with. Even for experienced doms in established relationships, they can raise their heads from time to time.

So if you're a submissive hoping to convert your nice, open-minded, somewhat domly but still vanilla guy into a dom, be prepared. He *will* have many of these fears. (If not, he's a clueless and possibly abusive jerk, and you should get out fast.) If you want a dom, you'll have to help give him the strength to be a dom. That may not be exactly how your fantasies play out -- but it's what you're going to get.

And most of the happy long-term BDSM relationships I know of are of people who were drawn together for non-BDSM reasons, then explored the kink together.

Not all, by any means -- but most.

If your mate simply is not a dominant or sexually open-minded type, you have a real problem. But if he is, *don't* give up on him just because he lacks experience or even courage.

Of course, if you don't already have a committed mate, that's a different story altogether ...


For any decent dom, the biggest fear will be doing irreperable physical harm to his submissive. Duh. But there are many other fears too. In no particular order, they can include (and many of these overlap):

What if I cause her emotional harm?

What if she decides I'm a jerk?

What if I go too far?

What if I come to like it too much?

What if I'm accused of abuse?

Is this really good for her? How can I be sure?

What if she changes her mind about what she wants? How will I be able to tell?

What if she's afraid to tell me she's changed her mind?

What if she doesn't know what she wants? How can I be sure she knows?

What if I think she may change her mind later, but she's sure now that she won't? Should I then rely on her consent?

What if I screw up? Do harm? Damage my reputation? Embarass myself?

What if I turn her off from BDSM, through some honest error?

What if she loses interest, through no fault of mine at all?

Is she doing this just to please me? Does she really like it herself?

She's not in the mood. What will happen if I push? What will happen if I don't push? If I wait for her to be in the mood, how long will I have to wait?

What if she's pretending to be in the mood? What if she falls out of the mood, and pretends to stay in it?

Supposing I push her ... (see many of the questions above).

How can I meet her fantasies? How can I be sure what they are? How can I compete with a fantasy?

She wants me to WANT what she wants. I don't. Should I pretend? What if she figures out I'm pretending?

Am I doing what *I* want, or just play-acting her fantasies?

Is she doing what *she* wants, or just play-acting for me?

If I give in to her too much, am I not being domly? If I give in to her too little, will she rebel? If she doesn't, will she rebel later? And would I be abusing her?

If she's rude and unsubmissive and I let it pass, does that screw up D&S? If I don't, will we be fighting constantly?

Does she mean what she's saying, or is she just testing me? Does she herself know the answer to that question?

What if she thinks she knows what she wants, and I think I know better? What if I admit that I think I know better, and she gets pissed off?

What if I let her nurture me -- does that screw up D&S?

What if we have an honest difference of opinion? Can I use D&S to "win"? If I don't, am I not being dominant? If I do, am I being unfair?

What if we just plain want different things? (Same questions about "winning")

Suppose I overrule her, and really think I'm right -- and then turn out to be wrong??? Will she lose trust in me? ?? Will she become less submissive?? Do I have the right to overrule her next time?

Will power corrupt me? Has it corrupted me already?

And so on and so forth.

Being a dom -- at least, being a *good* and decent dom -- is scary.


Two Final Notes:

When the original note first ran, there were a number of responses pointing out things I'd forgotten. Of those, the most memorable was a discussion of "The Dark Side", with more force than I hinted at in the original note. What if we let out the beast? What if we successfully control the beast, but are judged for our fantasies anyway?

KttN: I am in the frame of mind now where i question everything and everyone, trust being shattered is a hard thing to regain even within myself.

Fencer: Ouch. I think that in the BDSM world we sometimes reach for an absolute level of trust that never is realistic.

Copyright 1998 Fencer Cabot

back button