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The
Importance of a Safety Net - What Can Go Wrong
What is it I did, you ask? Think of the rules you hear so often. 1. Get information on the Dom. How much information is up for debate. What I got was only a name, address, and phone number But what was wrong with this, is that it took me WEEKS of pleading to get that information. I did not even have a pic of what he looked like. RED FLAG. I do not care what the reason -- married, prominent person, or whatever -- if they do not WILLING share at least the basic information, run, do not walk to the nearest exit. 2. Pass the information along and set up safe calls. I did none of this. I started out saying I would tell 3 people. He convinced me that was overkill. Then he worked on me from the prospects of trust and guilt as to why I felt I needed to tell anyone. Didn't I trust him? Afterall, he did give me the information I asked for and still that was not enough? DARN RIGHT. I gave into the coercion so no one on the face of the earth knew where I was or who I was with or even when I should be home. If a Dom tries this 'logic', immediate stop and think -- if you really can trust them, what is the big deal about telling someone? 3. Meet in a public place. This one I did, in a way. We met at a shopping center. What the rule does not say is that you STAY at the public place. Per his request, I looked for his car which he left unlocked. While he was getting coffee in the mall, I got in the back seat of his car and waited. BIG MISTAKE. This just put me at his mercy. I had not even met him yet and I was in a car that I could not easily get out of (a 2-door model). Sure, it sounded erotic and magical but it was stupid. Please be smarter. Once he came back, where did we go? I had no idea until he took off and then told me we were going to his house. I should have insisted that he stop and let me out right there. If he didn't, I should have started screaming or doing anything to get out of there. Dumb me went along with it. After all, I did not want to be disobedient or disappointing on my first time out of the shoot. DUMB SUB LOGIC. 4. Do not submit to bondage during the first session. I am sure you can guess by now that I missed on this rule too. I had asked before hand that we not do bondage for the sake of my safety. His response was where was the excitement in that? Didn't I want to have fun and erotic play? Was I just a wannabee? (Sorry, his word, not mine). So I ended up being handcuffed behind my back. At that point, I was completely helpless. He could have done anything. Do NOT be shamed or goaded into doing anything that your head tells you is not right. Your safety is just not worth it. So there I was -- in his house, with no one knowing where I was, helpless, naked and completely dependent on his mercy for my very life. Luckily he was not emotional unstable or demented or dangerous. But the point is that I had no way of knowing that. I should have placed more importance on my life than my pursue of an erotic urge. Understand something, I am not a stupid person normally. I have a high IQ, am well educated, and in a professional career. But I let desire overrule my senses. You simply can not let that happen. I was lucky. The worst thing I suffered was that he completely ignored aftercare -- no hugs, praises, or tenderness. It made me feel like a hooker but at least I was physically ok. I shudder to think what could have happened. I long ago came to my senses and never repeated these mistakes again. But all it takes is one time. Sorry this is so long, but once you start to confess to stupidity, you just have to get it all out. becca Hi, Don't ASSUME, whatever you do. Please. This isn't a horror story, the meeting and the end turned out fine. This isn't about bad or inexperienced people, just several who made assumptions. I want to point out the incredibly stupid mistakes i made as part of a friend's safety net. I'm not new to this lifestyle, but was new to "safety nets", and i learned my lesson to their importance, and luckily the outcome was a good one. I know them both from IRC. He is a wonderful Dom and more importantly a good man. Only a handful of people on the net have gained the respect i have for this man. She is a lifestyle submissive of over 17 years, beautiful, and smart. She and i met several times in R L. The only reason for their cyber relationship was, distance and as a place to see if real life would work. They were working towards this RL meeting from the very first week. They spent months and hours online talking before ever agreeing to meet. To me this was so loving, and caring and responsible, i had very few fears for them, and my hopes were centered their making it as a couple. (Mistake #1 i had an emotional attachment, it made me careless). I was caught up in their plans, her fears that he wouldn't like her enough, and the *romance* of it all. When it came time to meet he gave me enough personal information to purchase a house in Beverly Hills. He asked me to follow through by calling his place of business and a few others things. I did follow through, kind of. I made a very brief call and figured the rest had to be legit. (Mistake #2, i figured that his giving me all this information showed he trusted me as much as i trusted him. Me? Where the hell did me come from?) She gave me and two others the time of her arrival and the dates she would be visiting through. She gave us phone numbers where she was staying. (Mistake #3, she assumed we knew what to do as her safety net. We never worked out details.) Know who you are trusting, and don't assume they know what they are doing. I knew the date of her arrival and looked for her online. He came on and i asked how things were going and he said fine. She came on and said all was well. (Mistake #4, like DUH who is behind that screen name?) Pick up the damn phone. Three days later the Dom said my friend was upset because none of us had called to make sure she was okay. (Mistake #5, we all tried to spare feelings, we all wanted to trust in the other to do the right thing). TALK, talk, talk and if you aren't clear talk again. We did the right things, kinda. None of us were at fault, kinda. Don't worry about sparing feelings here, and never assume. Well i was the only one out of three to actually call. "I didn't know" is not a good enough excuse. If i am ever part of a safety net again, my first words will not be, "are you in love, is he everything you hoped for?" They will be "are you safe?", "are you able to tell me this freely?", or whatever codes we had worked out previously, then and only then will i get the juicy details. We all learn from our mistakes, i was lucky that my assumptions of these two were correct and all turned out well. If you are seeking a safety net or part of one, please be very clear on all the procedures. Questions do not show stupidity or lack of trust, quite the opposite as i now know. This FAQ that unimeil is making is very important to me. I don't think a submissive should walk to her first meeting filled with horror stories, (being aware is one thing, but being scared into a safety net another). She shouldn't have to feel having a safety net shows any lack of trust towards her Dominant, she should feel no shame. Not all Dominants are aware of safety nets, not their fault. Just more awareness needs to be brought to the community. A safety net should be second nature, just as packing a diaphram or birth control. Since that time i too have become "safety aware" not a fanatic but aware. A safety net isn't meant to scare a person, it is just smart. I don't know the policies of this listserv, but i would like to put some of your replies on my channel's website to go along with an essay ^sparrow from subNATION wrote on IRC to RL meetings. She wrote this essay for a discussion channel and mentioned she would like it freely distributed. I'm sure if you dropped her a line off her website she would send it to you. It is one of the best i have ever ready, warm friendly and well her. Let me know how to go about using some of your posts and no names only nicks will be used. We all learn from experience, be it our own or anothers. Well i warned you all this was long and before anyone else says it: ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. Sincerely, XXXX had a safety call come in to her....got there and the sub was suspended, bloody, beaten face and body by knotted cords and a crop. If the girl had not had a safety check she may well have been dead...and this was someone who did all the right things...checked him out, had public dates...and HAD a safety net in place. XXXX too had her safety net in place...but it took all of them to get the Dom away from her. The upshot is...you can have all the information possible...( Bundy wasn't on police files and came up an upstanding citizen on checks), but when it comes right down to actually playing, unless you are the Mean Joe Green of submissives able to overpower a sadistic sociopath in a single karatechop...you can end up trussed and ready for his style love. Hopefully you will survive it. In a month I go to my Masters home...I STILL have a safety net in place...I trust him implicitly...but I will not be isolated. To me..and to him that is important...why? Because there is a safety net in place it adds security and allows us to move forward without fear. Pretty important I think...so is my life. poenkitten
( who is part of the safety net list and will continue to be a part of
it) Homepage http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/1434 XXXX wrote; <<< I'm sorry, but it seems everyone on this list is being so cautious and anal retentive about meeting and playing that I'd be surprised that anyone ever scenes! >>> You know..I really take exception to this. Big Time. Hey XXXX..ready for more of my domme nature showin thru? <G> *hands on hips, toes tappin'..again*(honest, I am a submissive!) <G> I do not consider my need to be safe to be "anal retentive". In fact, playing safe, is playing smart...IMHO. I find this list that undomiel is putting together to be an excellent idea, still cant guareentee that you wont end up beaten bloody, but, as I believe poen said...atleast the asshole who did it WILL be caught. And, knowing the protective nature of so many of our Doms here in MDOM..whoever seeks to abuse the submission of one of us would find no safe harbor anywhere. And for this alone, I am thankful. Now..on to the next paragraph <G> <<< I've never heard (or experienced) a sub being abused or mistreated (for real), so maybe I'm missing out on some personal horror stories that have actually happened to other list members (not "tales" but things that happened to actual list members)?>>> Once again as my subbiesister poen said...I found myself, even with all precautions taken, in a VERY bad situation.FOR REAL.Without rehashing the nightmare I found myself dealing with, I tell you..the safety net WORKED. And, without the support of my dear friends here,and especially Raven(who called, and called)..letting a certain individual know he was "busted" and monitored, and Carter whos no-nonsense approach to what had to be done, kept the voice of calm and reason...and helped me to be safe and whole. And to poen, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX..and so many of my subsisters..who offered up their hearts, and their wisdom to this shredded soul...I am forever grateful, forever here if needed.I cringe to think of how all might have continued to progress, without the support of these people I have come to call "friend". As it is now...I am very leery, and trust will be a hard thing for me to come by now. I am not a flightly woman, in fact, I am looked on as one who gives guidence! but in the need for submission...the heart overrules the brains sometimes...... I also once again want to say how very much the support system helped me to get my head back on straight after my "adventure". The postings to me as I tried to shake it all off, the private emails I recieved letting me know I had many who cared, offered to help, to talk..whatever necessary has made all the difference in the world. I discovered a sisterhood that I treasure, and a wealth of intelligent, kind, concerned Gentleman Doms...who wrote to me, to let me know they were there for me if I needed anything,whom I know I can turn to with any questions/concerns I ever have. <S> I am forever thankful. *bowing low* Yep, trust comes harder now than it ever did. And, if & when I should ever decide I have found someone whom I feel comfortable with enough to share my space...you can damn well bet, I will come here first, to my supportive MDOM family..I will ask for, and know I will recieve a safety net as I attempt to jump into the flames once more. I will also require that any potential Dom, spend time here in our cyber livingroom...allowing my friends here to check out this person before they will ever meet me in person. PERIOD. Anal retentive? ha!I dont think so. paranoid...maybe. But...SAFE. And Kree? Your post on what you require of a subbie first, before play...excellently done Sir. It shows alot of class..and a true Gentleman Dom. PEACE.
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