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The
Importance of a Safety Net - Red Flags
*deep breath* greetings. And XXXX? I know its hard, and it hurts...but we can/will save lifes by reposting at this time. And I *laughing cause I just cant cry now*.... was luckier than you. As some of you may have surmissed,from my post about my dear friend who I lost, too stupid to leave the Dom I was with..to the violence of my friends passing...and the continuing adventures called life I have learned some hard lessons. For any who walk the Old Path..I was the first to lead out the keening on Public Square this year...and I still need to howl yet again..but, I digress. Again, I consider myself to be an intelligent woman...as we all do.So...here's why I guess I am now "anal retentive...and paranoid".I warn you now this is a long post coming here..no fluff..but maybe some woman will see herself here.Maybe it will help. One night while sitting in a chat room...this "man" we will call..redflag<s> pulled me right out of chat. He told me he had been watching my words, my thoughts, how well I expressed myself. He told me how passionate I lived my path..how different I was from the women he had met. (and I am that) And as the chatting continued...he seemed to know me so well. Now, my lifestyle is even more...diferent than what we share in our common D/s chosen lifestyle. And, finding a "partner" who knows there is no need to fear my path (unless of true ill intent *harm none*) his words to me were a delight. I had yet to find the safe haven of MDOM...and was so new to the cyber world. We chatted endlessly. He wanted to know how each day passed. Was concerned for my safety...I had been attacked a few months back in front of my shoppe by another of my landlords tentants (who says he will kill me BTW)..ahh, the adventures continue. *sigh* He worked for a large corporation. He is quite well spoken.He spoke of his dreams, his goals, his desires. Dark, passionate desires. He spoke to me of the things I craved.I was everything he desired. Soon, a silver chain arrived, to be placed around my ankle.. ICQ then became our playground, being he was 1200 miles away...now, looking back, a painful reminder that I would have accepted him even then, so entranced was I. But, the miles separated us, and we chatted online constantly, he would call and talk with me for hours, letters passed thru the mail. I couldnt believe it! Remember, I am a channeler...I feel emotions, feel intensity..his passion for me was overwhelming. I needed to feel this intense desire.. he knew me so well....it seemed. The months went by. We began our plans for him coming here. Redflag wanted to pack up and move here. I wanted to have him come to visit. But, Redflag told me of how it would be, putting my worries to rest. He was in charge now, didnt I have faith in him? Well? Didnt I??? It was about this time that I found this safespace of Carters. Discovered that there were other women like me. With the same needs, same passions. Women who like me own businesses, run corporations, are our lawyers, doctors, and other postions of responsibility. And, the others, who live the life I wish had been put on my plate often. To be able to just be female. To concern myself with only pleasing my man...not the millions of things on my plate now. I read, and learned. Not quickly enough, but... So the date was set for redflag to come to claim me..here we go into real time D/s. I have misgivings, but they are quickly and firmly laid to rest...after all, he knows me so well. And I read the posts as they fly in, of the beauty of other submissive womans needs fulfilled. And reflags words speak of simular designs. He is into areas I have never explored, but assures me, he will cross no bountries. I ask him to come to MDOM, to visit, and get to know my new friends, and tell him of things called safewords. Redflag says no need. And, he knows me so well...he would never do anything to hurt me. I must tell you, I am not into heavy pain.I have had all I ever need of pain. I am a submissive woman, my greatest pleasure is to serve my mate well. In whatever way he craves it...until that line is crossed. I have had that line crossed, when Jimmy(of the "ghost" posts) tried so hard to watch over me..and would come to help patch me up when bloodied and broken, and it got much worse..when his life was taken. i apologize..again I wander. The night of redflags arrival is at hand. This tall, rugged Dom will sweep me off off my feet, the pressures of responsibilties will be removed,at the very least lessened by his very presence.. my concern will be in his pleasure. I will be free to do what I do best..the rest cradled in his knowlegable hands. I am excited...and afraid. I go over in my head his words, finding comfort where I can..but..its a done deal now...redflag has quit his job, packed his goods,and he calls me every few hours to tell me of his approach. I feel him as his car passes by...missing my place the first time <s> And, something doesnt feel right. Something feels..creepy...not right. The car pulls in, and I am about to met the man who has "courted" me for months..hours upon hours on the phone. He is nothing of what he told me of. He is huge. (I am no petite mistress of the night. Not BBW, but voluptuous)...but, atleast he was honest in his height..6' 4"....and probably about 350 pounds...not what he had told me by any means. His appearance is unkempt, he is nothing he projected. I think I went into shock as he approached me, realizing this man was massive...as he guided me into my place, grabbing me by the back of my hair, wrapping it around his hands. He drug me to the floor, and was made to service him immediately. I closed my eyes, thinking "this IS what you asked for bitch" as he guided my mouth with his hands wrapped in my hair. I was then drug off to the shower, where he inspected me, and then had me scrub him, again dragging me to my knees in the shower. One of the last posts I wrote for the list was the night of his arrival. But, he even finished writing that one "for me"..and from that point on, he monitored my mail. Now what??? I did encourage his desire for me..so, I guess, I deserved this?? He fell asleep beside me that night..Leaving me to lie awake till dawn wondering what kind of fool am I? Now what? I resigned myself to atleast try..he did know me so well, after all... He answered the phones, and the door. Friends were not welcomed..it was "our time". He was lazy. No motivation besides owning this witch...something he believed to be just a fantasy "title"...sure, babe..your a witch, uh huh. I caught him posting to a friend that he was "retired" now...to live off of me!!! ohhh redflag! Of course, it'll give him statis and power to have me at his feet. and..when he wanted me at his feet....I was. I had no choices now. Maybe, the abusive Dom I had already been "taught" by, served me well..as I was bound to my bed, eyebolts I couldnt wait to use again now my potential nightmare. because I knew I could end up dead if I wasnt extremely careful. The leg cuffs. Hand cuffs. Not toys of pleasure...but things to avoid. The whip? vanished...my doings, of course.("geezz, one of my cats must have drug it off").. I started trying to keep busy, working on shoppe goods until he would pass out from the huge meals I cooked and served to him... One late night, as I snuck up here and into irc, into the newly formed MDOM chat, Raven picked up on my..what Raven? Misery? Fear? Confusion? Was it the betrayal in my words? I couldnt post how things were on the lists..he would have read them and flew into a rage. I was his. he thought.And, he would never let me go. It was that night that my friend Raven helped me to build a safety net around me. I had to go to friends and say "look, I fucked up. I need protection. I am unsafe." And...LUCKY for me..the friends, and this incrediable safety net went up. Raven began to call here..James either actually taking the calls, or behind me wanting to know what was going on, "who is that?" I had to tell him, he had to go. NOW. This was on a Sunday night..he had not spoken to me all night..I was tapped out..monies, and emotions now (he came here BROKE)*surprise* and unhappy with me at the time. I had made my calls, told them I was telling him..and to please be on standby. Note...I still chose to do this alone..so proud, so foolish. He did not take to the news well. I have known the rage of violence, as I have said. And once again, I looked it right in the eyes as he whispered to me " I dont know whether to cry or destroy you." I still am freaked as I sit to type this, the fear and emotions still apparently still here..as I waited...WITH NO CONTROL...cause I wanted it that way...do you hear me ladies??? I wanted it that way...submission can mean death out there if your not careful, dont think for yourselves, dont trust your own intution...or like me..who is a healer for them all, works for the good of all...and yet cant help herself, the curse of the healer then.... Poen??? ***** regrouping here a bit**** Well, I'm okay...redflag is gone now. I was FORTUNATE to have those friends webworking for me...and yes, even the local bikers <WG> I did look up at him, and told him "it would be the last mistake you will ever make". I guess he believed me. *whew* I am really sorry this is so long...but, it needed to be said. If I can be fooled, honey...you can be fooled. Don't be foolish, take your time..check him out. Bring the potential partner in here to Mdom...and pay attention.How willing is this person to open up in a group setting, or not...why?? Too Dom for that? bullshit. excuses.Or..."we dont need to share our private lives with them"..redflag. I could have been killed. But...in my own sick mind..I said..atleast now he will be caught...and I deserve whatever happens..I did this to myself. I was lucky. I had a net come to me. Enmass. I read for congressmen and senators, doctors, lawyers, and the endless masses inbetween.I have an excellent reputation as a reader. Have had people fly here to sit in my haven for me to flip the cards and speak. *sigh* In my own life though...it serves me not, Poen? Why? And...the inside...just hurts a wee bit more, and the trust????????????? ahhh...trust. It will be hard earned, and well deserved by the one gains it...the adventure, continues. gotta fly. Greetings. The purpose of my post on "redflag" was because of the threads going on..and especially those posts saying " oh, I never use a safety net, never needed one, I scene all the time, let 'em tie me up, no problem"...geeezzzzz. I had spoken with poen earlier, and she asked me why I hadnt spoken up while the fluffy "everythings just groovy" posts came in...and I told her I was afraid to speak on this issue, being so emotionally...involved, and still in the processes of healing (guess I have farther to go there than I had thought, you are right as always poen)...but, anyhooo <G> I ended up writing after the idiot(with the "contract") who XXXX(sp?) so smartly posted about..you did right XXXX...you did a good deed, no apology necessary. The purpose was to try to get some of my sisters here, that I have come to care for so much, to just be careful out there! We have some wonderful Doms here, who offer up good, sage, honest advise, if we just listen to them. And, although we all melt in unison when XXXX posts on her wonderful relationship with her XXXX, and we all crave that kind of intense loving.. (I use "we" freely here, please, no flames..I am a witch, dont deal well when "flamed")the facts are: we have to find our own joy, our own path, our own way. This safehaven Carter has given to us, is just that. I have never seen the type of solidarity as what we have here. Yep, we squabble at times, spend time having to gather up broken crockery, thrown veggies <G>...but the support system is something unique to our home, and we all deserve a giant cyber pat on the back, or behind<G> for this. Without the support I have recieved myself, personally...I am not sure what the outcome of my adventure would have been...but, the net...my friends, were here to catch me as I fell, to gather me back in close. For this, I will be eternally grateful. So...another day has dawned. Yes, I have been sleepless for awhile, the posts I have put up have affected me more than I had ever thought possible. But, maybe, just maybe...thats where the true healing begins. And, if maybe, my lifes lessons save a sister from violence, save her from making the same mistakes that I did...it was worth it all. And, any that wish to use my posts, to pass along..you are welcome to them, just let me know they are being used, it makes me feel better knowing I have helped. And, to all of you who have written me privately...thank you. It does this heart good to feel the warmth of your friendship, and the strength of your concern for this crazy ol' witch. <S> Blessed Be...and PEACE. cariad 1) Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex. 2) Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact. 3) Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission. 4) Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run. 5) Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong. 6) A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one. 7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case. 8) Frequent inconsistencies.
If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next,
like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her
son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of
trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next,
it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.
Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know
someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution
and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out
personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful.
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