Some
Rules for the Dominant
[it's mutual] Dominants
1. Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have
no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom
time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are
major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand
in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in
the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
2. Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one needs
to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show
how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself.
No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't
set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you
can never reach.
3. Be open. Although the Dom{me} is classically considered to be the teacher
in SM, you can always learn from your subbie, no matter how inexperienced.
Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different
perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude
of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal
style.
4. Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information
about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes,
and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian
roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of SM with your subbie,
so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly
spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that
your subbie instinctively knows the ground rules.
5. Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that your subbie would like
to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know
that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels
at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always
be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
6. Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant
and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be
a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your subbies needs
and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you,
what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each
other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even
threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you.
Use it appropriately.
7. Be realistic. End the scene with the sub wanting more, not wishing there
had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys,
not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy,
and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture
books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to
the last detail.
8. Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take
over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted,
not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your
dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute
for other areas of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love
with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow
up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called
for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your sub or to your sister/fellow
Dom{me}. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take
the dominant role - now take it!
9. Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants
be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount
you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your
performance and endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your
physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility
to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs
and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" violates your
submissive's trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to accept
the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game!
10. Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned,
and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible,
creative SM play.
